Love leaves an everlasting impression

Well, it has now been well over four months since my last post... I definitely did not mean for that to happen, but life has been one big ball of crazy and stress lately. Over the course of the past four months many things have happened. There have been some good things, some mediocre things, and definitely some heartbreaking and terrible things. Some of the best things to ever happen in my whole life have occurred, but also some of the worst. A little over two months ago, I started dating this wonderful guy named Sean. He is basically the nerdier, boy version of me. I have never felt so comfortable with someone, so quickly, and he makes me unbelievably happy. He even comes over to my house and spends time with my family, and they all really like him. Last week, I finally bought my car! I'm almost 18, and I finally managed to get one. However, if you think that means last week was a good week, you would be sorely mistaken. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest, and most painful weeks of my almost 18 years in this world. My grandfather's health had been rapidly declining for a while, and the doctors couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong. Well, he had dropped a lot of weight very quickly, but at the same time his stomach had become very swollen, so he went to the hospital and they drained a lot of fluid out of him and had it tested. It came back positive for cancer cells. And a lot of them. At first they didn't know what kind it was, and they thought it was some form of rare stomach cancer. Well, he went back home and over the next few weeks he had to have fluid drained either one or two more times. He went back and kept having more tests done and they still couldn't figure out what type of cancer it was, for certain, so he just stayed at home and tried to take care the best he could. Two weeks ago, he took a turn for the worst. My grandmother found Papa unresponsive and not breathing and didn't know what to do, so she called my dad and he called an ambulance and they rushed Papa to the hospital immediately. The doctors tested and found that sometime over the past day or two Papa had a massive stroke. If I remember correctly, it was one massive stroke and five smaller ones, as well as an embolism in his brain. He was unable to speak very much, and although he seemed to understand who was with him, he couldn't seem to understand questions very well. He stayed in the hospital for a couple of days, and in that time the doctors were finally able to figure out what kind cancer he had. He had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The cancer is also what had caused the stroke. The doctor said he had 6 months or less. But he was wrong. My grandfather passed away on February the 15th, around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. He was only 71 years old... I don't understand why he had to leave so soon... My Papa was one of the most influential people in my life. Over the past couple of years, I hadn't spent as much time with him as I should have, and now it's too late and I can't change that.. I wish I could.. I wish he didn't have to go.. I miss my Papa, so much. It's been almost two weeks, and I still have a hard time breathing and not breaking down crying when I think about him. I'm crying right now, as I write this.  My Papa was very opinionated, and I didn't always agree with him, but I did always respect him and love him. Some of my favorite memories are when I used to spend the weekend with him and my grama, and he and I would go to the farmer's market at the break of dawn and set up and sell the vegetables he grew in his gardens ( and the tomatoes he bought to sell). There were many, many times when I would go and help him sell his veggies, and then we would come home to some wonderful meal cooked by Grama, and we would just spend the rest of the day relaxing, and watching tv. My Papa was an extremely intelligent man, and he liked having his say on political matters, He was also a wonderful cook, and he taught me many of the things I know how to cook now. He loved his children, and his grandchildren, and wife more than anything, and he was one of the kindest  and most caring men that  I have ever met. I will never stop missing my Papa, but I hope this pain lessens over time, because it hurts so very much right now.. I just still can't believe he's gone. It doesn't seem possible. I feel like I'm in a nightmare, and I'm gonna wake up and he'll still be here.. But I know that won't happen, and that I have to face the fact that he's gone... But I don't want to.. I just want my Papa back..

Confusing Myself

I don't know what is going on with me. I just. I can't seem to get out of my own head, and it's driving me crazy. I don't know why I'm so stuck in there, but I am. I just keep thinking, and thinking, and thinking. Stupid thoughts mostly. Wandering about life. I can't seem to admit to myself exactly what's wrong, and it sucks. A lot. I thought this was gonna be such an amazing weekend, and for the most part it has been. I have had quite a bit of fun, but for some reason right now I just feel completely vulnerable, and I absolutely can't stand that feeling. I don't like being open. Weak. Useless. I guess I just built this trip up so much in my head, and now that it's almost done, I don't know what to do. I'm going psychotic. There is so much that I want, and I don't know that I'll ever get it, and that kills me. It absolutely terrifies me to not have control over this. I always have control. I can't function correctly right now. I just. Gah. That's all I can seem to get out right now...

Life is one big ball of crazy

This has been a hectic couple of weeks. I started a new job, my sister moved, and I started school. I feel like I never have time to breath anymore. I don't like it. I also chopped my hair off. And dyed it black. 

I feel very much like Snow White. I also had to get a new phone, because my iPhone 4S got fried.. So, now I have a 5S. And I can actually take good pictures to put on the blog! I got my ipsy bag in the mail today, so I thought I would show what it looks like, and after I've tried everything out, I'll do a more in-depth post.

This is the packaging. I like the bag, it's definitely the cutest so far. 

  It came with Be A Bombshell's Criminal Smooth setting powder, Hikari lipstick in Cabernet, Pacifica nail polish in Red Red Wine, Nourish Organic cucumber and watercress moisturizing cream face cleanser, and Mitchell and Peach luxury hand cream. Overall I'm very pleased with it. Actually, it might turn out to be my favorite bag yet. More details to come.   

The things that happen!

Wow... Apparently I haven't blogged in a month... That's not good!! So much has been going on lately. I started a new job, quit my old one, and I've been getting ready for college. I can't believe I start school on Monday. That's so weird. I went and got my ID and books the other day. My very first ever school ID. And for the past couple days I've been trying to find my first day of school outfit. Yes, I am doing that. It's my first first day! That's kinda big! I have been shopping wayyyyy more than I should... And I happened to run over a turtle, while driving a couple weeks ago... I almost cried. I've had quite a few misadventures lately. I promise, I shall not go this long without blogging anymore! Oh! I got an amazingly gorgeous gown! 

And I put blue in my hair! Which, soon will be blonde. Well, I'm signing off. Xoxo~ Cala

Useless

Do you ever have those moments when someone you love is hurting or upset or depressed, and you want to help them so badly but there's nothing you can do? I'm dealing with that. I feel so useless. Like nothing I do or say will help. And I hate it. I hate it so much. But I don't know what else there is to do. All I can do is make sure he knows I'm always here and will never leave and I will help in any way I possibly can. Blah.. It still sucks though. 

Fantasticalness

I would honestly have to say that this has been one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. A long one, for sure. But amazing. It started out by getting to go have some froyo with my sissy and the kiddos, then I got to FaceTime with my love for almost 3 hours, then I got a call for an interview, then went to the interview and was offered the job on the spot, got to spend time with my best friend, got some much needed clothing, I got my long awaited ipsy bag, and then I got a surprise visit from my second mom! I've worked all of the past four days, but they've been amazing. One downfall, however, is that I only got my ipsy yesterday, and today I accidentally broke the bronzes from it.... Thank god for the alcohol trick! Well, I'm off to lala land for the night. Goodnight, lovelies!

Confusion at it's finest

You know, the male species is extremely confusing. I'm not saying that women aren't crazy, confusing, emotional wrecks half the time, because we are. But, seriously. Why can't a guy just tell you he likes you and continue on that path, rather than saying it and talking for a while and then he'll start acting closed off and then be back to normal a couple days later. It's difficult! You'd think after 3 years I'd be used to it, but I'm still not. I just don't understand, I guess. And you know, I don't know if I ever will, so I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to it. Blargh! -_-